Generous Grief…

My writings do not always connect the dots, and no doubt skip over a few or more missed points during my expressions and often reveal something quite different than my thoughts or intended topic upon completion. For example those dot to dot pages where a few missed dots results in a Giraffe looking like a barn door. Well that may be a stretch (pun intended), but my writings seem to traverse all over the place. Not much resemblance of a complete thought process or even keeping my pencil engaged on the same page. But I digress away from the topic of Generous Grief, which I have experienced my share of these past two years as I have tried to follow the dots as it were.

And so it is Generous Grief! There is no connecting of the dots with grief, it’s not A-Z in any order that I have experienced. So what of Generous Grief? Is it generous in the volume and totality of grief bursts and sorrowful moments, or is it generous in how it is absorbed, processed and becomes an intrigal part of a growing passage of time in this my new chapter as a widow of two years. I have found it to be both.

This grief I have experienced has been at times crushing and devastating, and at other times like a mountain stream flowing through my very being into a reservoir of tears (more on this another time) that literally refreshes my mind, heart and soul. With the passage of time the intensity of grief has been reduced as well as the time and space it occupies. While the grief I experience now is different than the grief I was flooded with when Ken died and in that first year of firsts. It is still grief to some degree and most generous at times in one way or the other. This grief although generous in volume I have found to also be generous in application as I grow through this journey.

While I am no expert in grief, I am experienced in what happened in the very core of my heart, body and soul during grieving. And no matter what I read, thought, or learned from others, the fact is that grief is most generous in volume and varies in intensity and time with every individual. We are all different, just look at our fingerprints, our unique life experiences, as well as how death entered our journey. The one we lost will have had a different impact and relationship with each one of us. So when I heard not to compare my grief with anyone else I took notice and allowed myself the freedom and space to grieve at my own pace. And did not deny my heart the valuable opportunity to feel and grow through grief. As well as being very aware of not getting stuck in grief.

I am grateful that I have never been alone in my grief. Without the constant nudging of God through his Holy Spirit , and his Word the Bible, along with the teachings from Pastors and wisdom shared through others; I would be literally stuck in grief and not allowing the generous portions of grief to remind me of who I am what I am doing now and where I am heading in my future. This other side of Genereous Grief is where I have grown and continue to as a result of grief.

Generous Grief has become a part of my life that I cannot escape by closing a door, book, or my mind to. Yet when I allow this Generous Grief to flow in and through me I am able to experience the pain, sadness, loss, tears and fall to my knees once more. Where I cry out to my Father in Heaven for help as I thank Him for all that He is and how he cares for me and I trust that He hears me. His provision of love, comfort, guidance, protection, and strength literally surpass all understanding!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

As I have learned to be generous with myself in these moments of grief, I allow my thoughts, worries, and emotions to surface and I respond to them. It is in these moments of Generous Grief is where I trust God with my heart, mind and soul to lift me out of the fog and cloud of grief. And once more I am in awe of his gracious love, provision, comfort, wisdom and future plans for my life in this world and eternity.

My minds journey through a passage of Generous Grief finds me standing up with my face looking heavenward as the dark grey storm of grief is blown over and then behind me. Where I fix my gaze forward and envision a generous landscape with an expansive blue sky graced with fluffy white clouds. As I marvel at the beauty before and around me, the delightful chirping of nearby birds is carried in the gentle wind as my senses breath in the fragrance from meadows of wild flowers spread out like a carpet around me. At this moment I am reminded that weeping only lasts for a moment but joy does come in the morning.

I sincerely appreciate your time as I share my story and thoughts. I hope that you find something in these mixed up ramblings that encourages you and/or offers an opportunity for your own personal reflections. And that along with me you see that although someone, or our own selves may have a plan to follow a sequence or dots as it were towards a completed project as in growing through and beyond grief, the process and results may be very different. That while missing some points or dots althogether we may discover something else along the way that stops us and we pause. Or perhaps as we race across the page in an effort to connect the dots and finish the page, we may be missing out on something of greater value than that of just completing the project. Could it be in the uninvited moments during a difficult season where we have a forced pause or a complete change in direction that maybe just maybe the finished project although not what we intended might very well reveal more than we could have imagined or planned for at the start? While a Giraffe is a magnificent creature, a Barn door after all is very useful and can literally open up to new opportunities and possibilites. Hmm The Barn Door. Sounds like a future blog topic…

God bless you my friend,

Pati