Growing Through Grief-Never Alone

This week I was asked to share my testimony with my new small group. It was a huge blessing to me to be able to put into words this and previous seasons that have brought me to where I am today. Writing these words, and then speaking them helped me realize where God has brought me along with hope for where he is leading me now. He truly has made all the difference in my life. I pray that as you read my testimony you would be encouraged to write your own and perhaps share with someone close to you. Of course you are most welcome to email me any time if you would like to share with me. I would be honored to hear from you and your story.

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My Story…

It seems that throughout my life I have faced disappointment, loss and grief, along with many mountain top and celebratory seasons. But nothing hit me as hard and deep as the loss of my husband and best friend. And yet even through this difficult journey and the many years before I can clearly see the hand of God in my life and now all the more as I am “Growing Through Grief and Never Alone”.

In my Early childhood Years, I was yearning for stability and hope. My parents fought verbally and physically. We moved constantly, changing schools 2-3 times a year. Went to church occasionally, I wanted to become a Nun, Teacher, Nurse and Mommy. I longed for something different than what I had known. Although still moving frequently and my mother re-marrying in my teen years, I attended four years at the same HS. Where God provided opportunities for me to make new life long friends and become a part of a very successful award winning vocal ensemble under the stable leadership of Mr. Carey who also provided that spiritual mentor I needed. I now had a place to belong and thrive and discovered how much I loved to sing.

Right after HS I began attending a home bible study and Christian concerts, where I found what I was longing for, a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I stepped forward and committed my life to Jesus. I discovered the love and provision of Jesus so very different and beyond what I could ever had hoped for in my family or friends. At the same time my family life began to fracture more as I had become a “Jesus Freak” which I would soon grow out of, according to my mother. Soon after I moved out with a friend and after a brief time of Christian growth in my first year of college I made a very poor decision.

At 19 years old I was pregnant without a reliable family or support system. At that time abortion was the answer for unwanted pregnancy, but I chose to carry this baby and considered adoption. It wasn’t her fault I made a poor decision. However, I married the father of our child, had another child amidst a most turbulent, destructive season with someone who did not have the same beliefs as I did. I prayed for him and yet longed to be rescued by Jesus from the situation I was living in for 6 years. My heart ached for that brief time of closeness with Jesus years before where I felt safe, hopeful, and secure. I knew I had made mistakes, sinned, and could not make things better, but hoped to be forgiven. I just could not live like I was any longer.

The crisis I was living in culminated into a breakdown. As I awoke from the fog, I knew that something in my life needed to change. I had taken the children to church on my own at times, prayed and tried to be as good a wife as I could. But I felt further from God and desperately wanted to restore my relationship with him. As I cried out to God, I gave up everything in my life to him, pleading with God to remove whatever it was in my life that was getting in the way of his plan for me. I could live without anything in this world but could not live without Jesus. Anything God anything, my health, youthful appearance, family, husband, resources, even my children, I was willing to sacrifice it all for Jesus. To have a true, deep, and purposeful relationship with my Heavenly Father. I wanted to put God first in my life in every way. I took a walk in the neighborhood and saw a cross carved out of a tree stump which reminded me of the sacrifice Jesus made for me, and that God only wanted my love and that he would take care of the rest. Which he did. In just a few days, I suddenly became a single mom, somewhat surprised and hopeful for whatever God had planned.

I began attending church and growing in my relationship with God. Life was very different and at times difficult as a single mom, but God was making all the difference in my survival and providing me with more peace and hope than I had ever known. I was amazed and in awe of how Jesus in his mercy could forgive me and welcome me back into his arms and safety. I was a single mom, but not alone! And I was fully committed to being and doing whatever Jesus had planned for me.

As a single mom over the next few years, we had lots of fun amidst the stress. I continued to grow and become dependent on my Heavenly Father for all I needed. Sure I made some mistakes along the way, but I was all in as it were. My relationship with Jesus grew and we had many conversations. I was singing again and building new friendships. Through fellowship and accountability with other believers, I was determined to remain single and raise my children with God’s help.

But God had other plans when he brought Ken Rader and I together as friends and then husband and wife. We both vowed to put God first in our relationship and were convinced that the two of us together could accomplish more for God than separately and Ken wanted to help raise my children.(My Dr informed me years before that I could not have more children) In our early marriage we were surprised to be expecting, only to lose our first precious baby through miscarriage. And then God blessed us with two more children. Not only did he heal the scars of a poor decision and damaging relationships from my past, God literally healed the scars in my womb.

I learned how much God loved me through my husband Ken, God was revealing to me what the love of Jesus is like. How gentleness, faithfulness and commitment are necessary ingredients for a healthy and thriving marriage. Our family went through some joyous and difficult seasons. But our love and commitment to Jesus and each other remained strong.

Fast forward to a few years later in 2018 when all of our now adult children moved out of California to Texas and Arkansas along with our 8 grandchildren. Our prayers were to be used wherever God wanted us to be, however now with the hope to be near our children’s growing families. In less than a year God literally answered our prayers with a surprise job transfer to Texas, where we would be driving distance and in the same time zone as our family. We were so very thankful. Then Less than a year later when Covid hit, another family moved to North West Arkansas (NWA), and again we prayed to move closer to our family.  More miracles and perfect timing where God opened the doors for us to move to NWA.  

With Two major out of state moves in two years, we felt that this was where we would live out our lives, call our forever earthly home. Our prayers and plans were to pursue ministry in this area and continue our goal of serving God and others while being close to our families. God had made all the difference in our lives, our marriage, ministry and now it would seem in a brand-new place for the rest of our lives. Which would be many years to come as Ken who was healthy, fit and full of life was 56 and planned to live till 110.

Within 3 months of moving here, our lives and plans changed drastically when we were shocked with Ken’s sudden diagnosis of aggressive brain cancer. God knew what we would be facing and I believe God set up each step and move for us to be here during this transition for Ken and my new journey. It was during Ken’s diagnosis where we did not have but a few connections beyond our children in NWA that God provided new friends from Fellowship Bible Church to visit and pray with Ken, and build a relationship albeit a very short lived one. Just over 3 months after Ken’s diagnosis, Ken took his last breath and breathed life anew in the presence of Jesus. He was really looking forward to this day. During this time, God was making all the difference in this new and difficult season through the body of Christ. I was going through the most devastating loss of my life, but I was not alone.

On March 10 it will be two years since Ken went home to be with Jesus. My life has forever changed in many ways, but I know that God has a plan and that even in this difficult journey he has never left me. As I ‘Grow Through Grief’ and step into this new season, I am confident that he has his eye on me and is carrying me through every moment.

My story is not over, it did not end with Ken’s going home. Instead, just as God has made a difference in my life through; a difficult childhood, my own poor choices, losses, gains, crises, years of want as well as plenty, 33 years of a marriage that was Christ centered and intentional, the not so coincidental moves and steps that landed us in NWA in 2020, to becoming a widow in 2021, God continues to lead, guide and protect me. I cannot even imagine what my life would have looked like had I not cried out to Jesus and trusted him so many years ago. I am so grateful for how he continues to listen, guide, and forgive me along the way as I now Grow Through Grief.

And now I continue to trust God to make a difference in my life and those around me as I grow closer to him in this new season, area, and plan for my life. Without Ken, a widow, “Growing Through Grief- But Never Alone”.

Thank you for sharing in my journey and hearing my story. I pray that you have been encouraged in reading it. May God bless you as you consider your own personal journey and story.

“The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.” Psalm 121:8

Should you want to reach out, please email me via my contact page. I look forward to hearing your story too.