In answer to a question recently “what one word would you use to describe how you are doing emotionally during this new season ?” Unpredictable Is the best word I can use to describe how I am doing emotionally as I enter this second holiday season without my husband.
It’s not just about good days and bad days it’s more like moment to moment during each day where I experience absolute joy and contentment or a sudden “grief burst” resulting in tears, an ache in my heart and need to feel. These moments are indeed Unpredictable but so necessary for my journey through grief.
Something I see smell hear touch or taste can put a smile on my face and warm my heart or nearly stopped me in my tracks with a sudden flow of tears. Last year I was in a fog this year the fog is lifted and I’m experiencing and seeing more. Which is part of the grieving and healing journey. And is so very unpredictable. But there is so much I am learning to experience and enjoy even without him in this season.
Two years ago this month we were facing the sudden devastating diagnosis of aggressive brain cancer that would end his life sooner than we would’ve ever imagined just four months later. We had just celebrated our 33rd anniversary, We were three months into our new life here in Arkansas. Our first Christmas living here and our last. We were at that time living through an unpredictable season.
Some days or moments the memories of Ken and thoughts of our life together are so overwhelming and hard to face but at other times I can smile and thank God for every single memory with him. And so it is unpredictable how I emotionally feel or respond. And so I have learned the best I can do Is to allow my emotions some grace during this season which is unpredictable along with my emotions.
I am so very thankful for where I am now for the multitude of blessings that God has graciously granted me. He knew where I would be this holiday season and I believe he set me up in so many ways to be able to go through this season and journey of grief in the best place for me and those around me. My emotions are most certainly unpredictable but God is so very predictable I know he loves me and cares for me and has a plan for me.
I started out thinking to write a blog about thankfulness. I have so much to be thankful for. But instead I sense the need to share with you my heart and how unpredictable my emotions are right now. Perhaps this will help you in someway as you navigate this season or as you walk alongside or encourage someone else who is going through a difficult journey.
So what about you? What is one word that you would use to describe your emotions during this holiday season?
May God bless and encourage you, may He reveal his love to you and grant you peace in this season of Thankfulness,hope and love.
Pati
Pati Rader 
Pati, I hope you had a good Thanksgiving. I know it is hard when you have lost your husband but as I always said when I was a widow. I had a good husband before but GOD was my husband now and HE was a great and loving husband and took care of all I needed. I used to kid and say and I didn’t even need to cook for HIM or do HIS laundry.
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Thank you. You are so wise and encouraging Peggy. Thank you for your humor too… 😉
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You are carrying yourself with so much poise and your transparency is helping me to know God better. You give evidence of His constant presence, even in the saddest moments. It doesn’t make those moments of anguish any less gripping but it reminds me once again that this is part of life as God designed it and that I need to stay close to Him because suffering comes to us all and I need to be prepared for it. No one can fully prepare for great loss but with God we will get through it in a way that can actually strengthen our faith and hopefully enable others to see our Savior. Sent from my iPhone
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Thank you Pamela. For 36+ years your friendship and wisdom has encouraged and blessed me.
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The word “unpredictable “ captures the journey I am on. Thank you for your insight.
Blessings as you find your way thru another year and continued healing in your heart. God is faithful to our prayers!
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So thankful for you Kathy. You have been on my heart and in my prayers.
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CHALLENGING. My husband last night admitted Hospital Acute pain abdomen. ER hand off. Still in California we can not be at the bedside or in ER with our loved ones. This morning the CT showed kidney stone, Urology will do procedure today. DISAPPOINTED We have not had our daughter or SIL, and grandboys in Sacramento for 1 year. Yesterday we had partial visit, then interrupted with need to go to ER. So my trust of medical care and hospitals is not high. I have always been with him, and now almost 3 years into this state State of Emergency our hospitals are strict and inflexible. Praying for doctors wisdom, and that the procedure has a good outcome. The anesthesia is skilled and he has no ill effects with anesthesia and recovery. Praying he can come home, so we can have more family time, that we have ANTICIPATED and longed for. Lord Jesus have mercy, Holy Spirit be my comforter, be with my Husband of 47 years when I can not be present as his health advocate. TRUST issues, are CHALLENGING.
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Kindness to others. Sometimes it is better to focus on others than me. The me in me has much to be thankful for each day. God has it all in his control. Do more volunteer work and show others your kindness.
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