Such a simple question and process when faced with a plan that has some variable options and outcomes. But what happens when there is no outcome that fits in with any notion of a solution or resolve that you had anticipated in the past. And there in lies the biggest challenge. Where one ‘begins’ is not as much of the question as to where one will be in the process of shock, disbelief, change and adjustment to a new normal, and all the while having no compass or road map for where one is heading or will end up…. And there we are back to the beginning once again… What in the world happened to the world I once enjoyed living in, where is the person that …. and I get ahead of myself….
To begin indicates a start, middle and stop… in Grief I have learned that there is no such pattern or plan. The grief literally takes over the mind, heart and body and leaves one with the most difficult to describe and process that could render one completely devoid of any lasting feelings of love or joy. This grief does not have indicators or a time line, it hits at anytime of the day or night and anywhere or any reason or no reason at all.
So why have I started out with such a rambling description of grief as I have experienced it? You might consider this a disclaimer as it were. There are times on this journey I have traveled since March 2021 that I make little if any sense to myself let alone those around me. And at other times I am on my game, ready for anything to come at me. But lurking in the deepest part of my heart and soul is the reality that grief could erupt, trickle or result in an all out deluge of emotions and tears.
However in the midst of all of this ‘grief’ and change in my life since Ken died I have experienced joy. Not the jump up and down and have a party kind of joy, but deep, meaningful and lasting joy.
•The joy of knowing where my sweet husband is in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ.
• The joy in knowing that someday I will join him, although our relationship won’t be the same as on earth, it will be better.
• The joy of knowing that while I have been left here so suddenly without my better half and feel like I am missing a limb, that I am not alone. I may not be ready to jump up and down and celebrate, although I have had moments of absolute celebration with my Lord thanking him for taking Ken home before he had to endure more pain. But that deep joy that reminds me of a greater purpose beyond what I feel or think in this present body and earth.
• The joy in realizing that Jesus Christ suffered so intensely and died a horrific death, he had a choice to stop it but didn’t so that I/we could share eternity with him., he endured such great pain for the ‘joy set before him’. He would soon return to the Father in heaven. (more on this another time, please reach out if you have questions).
• In short joy has taken on new meaning for me in this new chapter of my life. It is not dependent on happiness or happenings but is ever present and available to me, I am truly thankful!
In my effort to just get started with a short blog I have not stopped pouring out my thoughts here… and so I will end now and start up again soon. Where do I begin to share my heart and thoughts with you? Well the answer may just be that there is no beginning just an ongoing process in this new chapter of life as a widow.
In the meantime please know that I am so very thankful for spending these few moments with you and so appreciate you listening to my heart and ramblings. I hope you will pop in again, or sign up for email updates and posts. And please feel free to reach out via the contact page or by leaving a comment here. I so appreciate you!
May God Bless you with incredible Joy today.
“Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
Pati Rader 
I lost my husband 8 weeks ago, and feel like I’m drowning in sadness and grief. I put on a good face at work and with friends/family, but inside I am only seconds away from many, many tears.
I know he’s with Jesus, and I’m very happy about that, but I’m so incredibly sad that I don’t have my best friend by my side every day now, and I wonder if I will ever feel ‘normal’ again?
Thank you for your blog. I am looking forward to reading more of it.
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Miriam I am so very sorry for your loss!!!
Thank you for comment and for sharing your heart with me. I am asking my other “widows” and friends reading your post to lift you up in prayer. Although we have never met and may be miles apart please know you have a new friend who has some understanding of how difficult this life changing experience can be.
May God comfort you in ways only he can, may he provide opportunities for you to grieve and experience his perfect peace in the midst of this overwhelming time in your life.
Praying for you.
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