My New Journey … A New Title
I am no longer a married woman, I do not have a husband, I do not consider myself single, but what I am identified as is a “Widow”. Not at all what I had anticipated at this time in my life. Ken was so vibrant, healthy, strong and determined at 57 to live till 110. But clearly within 4 months of sudden cognitive changes, diagnosis, surgeries, hospice then death of my sweet husband, the title widow was given to me as the way to describe a woman who’s husband has died. As I learn to live each day without Ken as a widow, I am doing my best to allow for healthy grieving and new experiences… the change of seasons, special days, and even something as simple as picking out new eye glass frames is a new experience without Ken, AKA a widow. God Blessed me with my new buddy Kippy in December 2021. Discovered after bringing him home that he and Ken share the same Birthday. We have lots of fun, and he keeps me active and laughing.
As I am coming to terms with being a widow I am also gaining a better understanding of how much our Lord Jesus Christ loves us. To watch my husband endure such pain, knowing he would soon leave me and meet his savior, he continued to encourage me and share the love of the Lord with me. Which is just a glimpse of what Jesus did with and for those around him.Through Ken’s life and death I have realized how very blessed I have been to have experienced love in the truest and purest sense of the word. I know that someday we will be together in heaven with all the saints worshiping our Lord. In the meantime I will do my best to live out this life in whatever capacity I have in service of our Lord.
Ken and I had an excellent relationship. Sure there were hiccups, pot-holes, speed-bumps, crisis, emergencies, and more along the way but through it all we were blessed beyond my hopes and dreams. Ken loved God above anyone else, even me. And that made a huge difference in our approach to problems as well as dreams. More on this another time but suffice it to say, we were best friends, I adored him, we enjoyed doing life together.
My Journey Then and Now, My Story Unfolding:
March 2025 – Four Years
March 10, 2025, was a day of reflection, remembrance, prayers of thanksgiving, and moments of absolute wonder and awe at life now compared to that day four years ago on March 10, 2021. A visit to Ken’s bench for quiet reflection and prayer turned into an opportunity to share the love of Jesus with a precious couple who were sitting on the bench. I told them about Ken, his life, and how much he would have enjoyed meeting them. And how this spot for his bench was chosen, as this was where we walked, ran, rode our bikes, hung up our hammocks with our grandkids, and enjoyed the park with family on many occasions.
As I left and began my walk back up the path, I raised my arms, thanking God for Ken and asking God to bless and encourage this young couple, who let me know that they sit on Ken’s bench each morning and evening, taking walks with their baby boy. The tears that began to fall as I walked away were those of joy, hope, and gratefulness for those who would rest on Ken’s bench and look up the scriptures on his plaque.
On this four-year date, I found myself so very hopeful for Ken’s life and legacy that is being shared with people he would not meet in this lifetime. And for myself, continuing to grow and experience this new journey walking with my Lord Jesus, a widow, yes, but never alone.
“This is the day, this is the day, that the Lord has made, I will rejoice, I will rejoice and be glad in it…” Ken and I sang this often during services in our early years. Some days in that first year without Ken, it was difficult to face the thought of that day, let alone rejoice in it, but today I am rejoicing and very glad!
This is the day the Lord has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24
March 2024 – Three Years
(from my blog “Flowering Reminders” Spring 2024)… I feel like new daisies, ready to emerge and stretch my limbs up towards the sun and welcome the beauty of this season in my life. I understand more and more how the blossoms of my life may get tossed and bent over, but I know that I am never forgotten. And that I must dig deep into the nutrient soil of the winters where God protects and prepares me for the next season. The value and importance of each season is so essential for my continued growth and survival, as well as my desire and ability to live a life of meaning and beauty regardless of the winter I have experienced. I believe the roots of my journey, as it were, are growing deeper and stronger with each passing season. I know I can depend entirely on my creator, who developed me from a tiny seed to the flowering life I am today. I am grateful, blessed, and eager to witness the blooms of this new season.
(This is an excerpt from the post “Flowering Reminders”, read more…)
The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, (2) it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
Isaiah 35:1 NIV
March 2023 – Two Years
Living my Third Act! Oh my how time does pass quickly some days and so slow others. But here I am over a year since creating this website (2 years since Ken died) and wanted to pop in to provide an update. Of course you can follow my blog page for occasional postings. And I look forward to hearing from you on my contact page.
As I have walked into and beyond my second year as a widow I have learned so much about myself and how extremely blessed I am to have had Ken in my life for 34 years. He is gone but his impact and investment in my life as his wife has profoundly influenced how I live my life today. When Ken died he left me filled up as it were. I never had any doubt that I was loved, that I was his one and only, and above all that he prayed for me daily and then-some. So yes while I live each day without Ken, I am not empty of the time, love and intention he poured into my life.
In my second year there were days that I struggled, grieved and wondered what in the world am I going to do without Ken. But not as much as the first year. In the second year as each month passed that feeling of loss passed a bit by bit. There were more days of absolute wonder and awe at how much God had prepared me for this journey and season and the growth that he was taking me through.
As I have entered my third year as a widow I am leaning into God’s word, enjoying the blessings of new friendships here in NW Arkansas and treasuring every moment I have with my grandchildren and family. The road ahead is one of me living life as a single woman, a widow yes, but not hiding under the black veil of grief. Instead open and willing to step into this new journey as a woman and servant of God.
Psalm 62:8 (NIV):
Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge
February 2022 – One Year
In what I assumed to be waiting for my third Act, I am beginning to realize that I may have already begun living in this Third Act when I became a widow. instead of wondering what will happen next, enjoying what is happening now.
(from my blog “First of the Last” March 2022)
Today I sit alone without my sweet husband Ken, but also without the horrid experience of watching him writhe in pain. It is bittersweet, and I truly thank God for taking him home before the potential of more suffering. Yes, I would rather be alone than where I was last year at this time.
Today I have more “free” time than I have ever had in my life. I have time to seek my Lord read his word, to pray and grieve. I have time to think which at times can be all consuming as thoughts can become anxious or difficult to process. However, at this time, I can do what and when I desire. I am so very thankful for this gift of time from my heavenly father.
Time is such an interesting concept; we either are constantly running out of it or filling space with anything we can or looking back with regret of wasted time. In this time of nearly a year of grieving over the loss of my husband and best friend, I have learned and grown to appreciate the gift of time.
As I prepare to begin my second year as a widow, I leave behind so many experiences and a new understanding of what life becomes when one loses a loved one. But even in leaving these behind, I carry them with me into my new future, my new journey, my new chapter, where I trust God to continue to lead, guide, nurture, and protect me in this time.
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
September 2021 – Six Months
In this new chapter of my life, I am experiencing more emotions and grief than I have in my entire life combined. Losing my husband and best friend has taken me on a difficult and painful journey that has however revealed the opportunity for ultimate joy along the way. As I share with you how my new chapter in life is unfolding I hope you will be encouraged in your own personal journey. While this new chapter is not at all what I anticipated at this time in my life; I am learning and discovering how to embrace authentic joy in the midst of tragic loss, gripping grief and deep sorrow. Which I hope you will experience as well in your own life.
My New Chapter…
September 2021
Waiting for Act Three to Begin
written as A widow of 6 months…
I am in the grand lobby of a beautiful theater. The first and second acts have concluded and I am now waiting in the lobby for the usher to open the doors and allow me to take my seat in preparation for the third and final act. However it is taking a bit longer as the entire set is being replaced, plot has changed along with the lead actor thus the playbill or program is also being updated and reprinted. Audience seats are being reassigned with new tickets to be given to attendees, but only only when everything is ready will the doors be opened to reveal the start of the third act.
All the while I am in this lobby alone, my husband left at the end of the act without me, while I knew he was going to leave soon and was somewhat prepared. But not at all ready for the emotional and painful grief that would take over my very existence!
Walking into the lobby with some of my family nearby and a few friends I found myself feeling alone amongst a sea of people. After the refreshments and goodbyes I soon discovered that I was in a familiar place, although with no point of reference as to what to do next. I looked toward the closed door but knew it was not time to be ushered into the third act.
And so as I scanned the lobby I discovered many little surprises and delightful opportunities to enjoy. Along with a full array of every gluten free snack, popcorn and chocolate I was not going to go hungry! The soft cushions on the sofa folded around me as I sat down and at once I was reminded of my loves embrace and touch and the tears came on like a flood.
What am I doing here? Why do I need to wait here? Why won’t the usher open up the door and let me return to the theater? Of course I knew why, things have changed, the scenery, plot, characters and more. Everything needed to be in place, different from when I exited. I resolved that yes it was best to remain in the lobby and take in all that surrounded me as a gift of time, space and provision as I waited for the door to open for the third act to begin when it was time to step into this very different space.
The way I am observing the stages of my life are: My “First Act” of life was childhood through early adult hood where I have some wonderful memories, but also some very rough experiences, poor choices and mistakes. But through it all the incredible blessings of two children and a growing relationship with Jesus Christ as a single mother.
My “Second Act” of life was 34 years with my sweet, strong, God loving husband, Ken who became a “Dad” figure to my then two children and our two additional children together. The best years of my life!
My “Third Act” is one of waiting in the lobby for now as God prepares me and the plan ahead where I can walk into when it is time. As Ken would often say to me “The Best Is Yet To Come”. He was going to meet Jesus, but he reminded me that my time here would be important and short even at 30 more years (yikes!) and to seek God first and trust him for the best! Even in this New Chapter of my life, Ken’s wisdom and love still influences my path.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.
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Pati Rader 
Thank you for your thoughts and comments.